As some of you may know, Kevin & I experienced a miscarriage a little over six weeks ago. It has been difficult for many reasons (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.) But we have gotten through it together with God, prayer, and many, many friends. But on Sunday, I had a bit of a breakdown.
At the end of church, I sat in a pew holding my friend’s little boy. He is perfect baby, sitting patiently in my lap cooing and I mumble whispers of how adorable he is. I just stared at him on my lap and before I realized it, I uttered “You are exactly what I want.” I did not think before I spoke, so the realization of what I said hit me hard. Tears immediately began to pour and I handed the sweet baby to Kevin and pouted on my way to the bathroom. I just sat on the lounge in the bathroom and let the tears fall. As soon as I stood up to wash my face, a wise friend walks in and marches up to me and immediately hugs me. She saw everything that had happened. She patiently held me close as I cried a few minutes and then she pulls away. I was not prepared at this moment to hear “the speech” again. Anyone who has experienced any loss gets “the speech”: I know how you feel; everything will be okay; a lesson has been learned; it happens for a reason; blah, blah, blah! Instead, she looked me directly in the eyes and told me that it was not God’s plan.
Not. God’s. Plan.
She continued with her comforting words explaining that we have many events going on in our lives right now and we need to focus on what is in front of us now. I couldn’t get the words out of my head – not God’s plan. I have heard many things and have made up quite a few excuses myself – God made a decision I could not make; it was not the right time; the baby wasn’t perfect; we are young and healthy and can try again; etc. But up until that moment, no one has ever told me that it was not God’s plan.
As a woman, I am a planner, an organizer, someone who strives to put everything into charts and graphs and file them away in my perfect file folders. So, why was it so hard for me to realize that it was not God’s plan? These past few days, weeks, and months have been all about planning and preparing ourselves for our new journey; but at some point it went from God’s plan to mine.
Too many times in our lives we plan everything out and we forget that our lives are not our own. We are taught at a young age to be independent and self-serving and we are encouraged to build lifelong plans and goals. But as Christians we have to realize that these plans we build so creatively are not toys to be tinkered with – we are God’s children! James 4:13-16 is a harsh reminder of this: “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes (verse 14)!” These are not our plans for life, they are God’s!
My goal for this week is to pray and ask God to help me focus on HIS plans!
God Bless and Happy 4th!