Ready!...Set!...PANIC!!!

I know I have written so many posts before about similar topics - control, trust, God's plans, being tested, etc.What is the theme? Sitting back and allowing God to work His will in our lives! So often we find ourselves trying to thwart our goals ahead of God's intentions. Well, let's add one more to this pile of lessons!

Thus begins our story.

Background:
We are at language school, in Canada. We are here to learn French via total immersion as well as attending classes/school.

Class Schedule:
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday - 8:45-11:50
Wednesday - Chapel 8:30-10:30/Groups 10:30-12:30/Lunch 12:30-1:30/Bible 1:30-3:30

Obstacle: 

"WHAT?!? How could you say such a thing!?!," exclaims everyone reading!

Looking at our wonderfully easy schedule (insert sarcasm here), you can see there is no room for baby girl, when there are two adults needing to take the same class. After our orientation on Wednesday, I found out the not-so-good news: there is no one to watch the baby. Ensue PANIC!

Here is where I did my typical control thing. I made calls, I asked questions, I bombarded total strangers, I tried to make new friends with potential babysitters, I made people feel awkward, I attempted French without knowing correct pronunciations, etc. All because I could not accept the fact that I was here to learn French and I HAD to do it just like everyone else!!! Here was the list of options I came up with...and with a heavy heart, crossed one after another off my list.

Option 1 - Daycare. Quebec options for daycare do not allow children under the age of 6 months (something about incredible maternity leave for their locals).
Option 2 - Sitter used by everyone on campus/prior MAF-ers.  She went back to school and is not longer offering services.
Option 3 - Nanny/Sitter. There is a whole language barrier thing but even if that were not an issue, it is not in our budget (our home has not sold yet and we are still responsible for payments).
Option 4 - One of the other students on campus who is in a more advanced class (in the afternoons). All others are moms with plural amounts of children (we are behind on our number!) and it would be hard for them to learn/study with a baby. Not to mention, the baby still won't take a bottle or pacifier. If she doesn't want to sleep, she would make for an uncomfortable situation.
Option 5 - Tutoring. There is only one tutor available and her baby is 4 months old. Her schedule is very limited and includes evenings. Kevin's classes are 15 hours a week which will put me behind at only 8 hours weekly.

What is our solution you ask? After much prayer, I ran across this Bible verse:
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

Sounds simple doesn't it, yet it is a mistake I make often.  Lean not on your own understanding. It made me feel better at heart after taking the time to lean on God and vent. A lot. And here is where I realized I needed to let go and trust in the Lord with all your (my) heart.

My (Tasha) only option is tutoring. After I resigned myself to this being my only option, I sat back and prayed. God knew my complaints and issues with the tutoring. After that, he opened another door for me! Originally, the tutor was only available Monday & Wednesday 3 - 5 and Tuesday & Thursday 6 - 8. This would have required me to finagle baby's feeding around the times I leave, since she won't take a bottle. Kevin would have to put her to bed twice a week without me...sigh. Fortunately, God took care of all.

Friday night, I met the tutor at a school event and immediately felt at ease. Her baby is four months old and won't take a bottle either (I could already feel God smiling down on me). After opening up to her, one of the other mothers in the class spoke to her as well.  "Our" (really it was God!) new solution is fantastic! I, along with two other moms, will go to class Monday and Tuesday from 1:30 - 4:30 and Wednesday from 4:30 - 7:15!!! Plus, I will have one-on-one time Thursday 4:30 - 7:15!!! I can't begin to tell you my relief! First, I am home before baby's bedtime. Second, I will have 9 hours of classroom time. Third, I will have 3 hours one-on-one time. Fourth, I was guaranteed that a class our size will be able to keep up with Kevin's class (as long as I hold myself to their class's standards). Fifth, she is an experienced teacher who has a baby and knows what I am going through! Wow! Just WOW!!!

P.S. Kevin had a great first day of class! (Insert cheesy photo of Kevin with a sign saying "First day of school)!

Plans for the Future

As some of you may know, Kevin & I experienced a miscarriage a little over six weeks ago.  It has been difficult for many reasons (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.) But we have gotten through it together with God, prayer, and many, many friends. But on Sunday, I had a bit of a breakdown.

At the end of church, I sat in a pew holding my friend’s little boy. He is perfect baby, sitting patiently in my lap cooing and I mumble whispers of how adorable he is. I just stared at him on my lap and before I realized it, I uttered “You are exactly what I want.” I did not think before I spoke, so the realization of what I said hit me hard. Tears immediately began to pour and I handed the sweet baby to Kevin and pouted on my way to the bathroom. I just sat on the lounge in the bathroom and let the tears fall. As soon as I stood up to wash my face, a wise friend walks in and marches up to me and immediately hugs me. She saw everything that had happened. She patiently held me close as I cried a few minutes and then she pulls away. I was not prepared at this moment to hear “the speech” again. Anyone who has experienced any loss gets “the speech”: I know how you feel; everything will be okay; a lesson has been learned; it happens for a reason; blah, blah, blah! Instead, she looked me directly in the eyes and told me that it was not God’s plan.

Not. God’s. Plan.

She continued with her comforting words explaining that we have many events going on in our lives right now and we need to focus on what is in front of us now. I couldn’t get the words out of my head – not God’s plan. I have heard many things and have made up quite a few excuses myself – God made a decision I could not make; it was not the right time; the baby wasn’t perfect; we are young and healthy and can try again; etc. But up until that moment, no one has ever told me that it was not God’s plan.

As a woman, I am a planner, an organizer, someone who strives to put everything into charts and graphs and file them away in my perfect file folders. So, why was it so hard for me to realize that it was not God’s plan? These past few days, weeks, and months have been all about planning and preparing ourselves for our new journey; but at some point it went from God’s plan to mine.

Too many times in our lives we plan everything out and we forget that our lives are not our own. We are taught at a young age to be independent and self-serving and we are encouraged to build lifelong plans and goals. But as Christians we have to realize that these plans we build so creatively are not toys to be tinkered with – we are God’s children! James 4:13-16 is a harsh reminder of this: “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes (verse 14)!” These are not our plans for life, they are God’s!

My goal for this week is to pray and ask God to help me focus on HIS plans!

God Bless and Happy 4^th!

Tasha