Ready!...Set!...PANIC!!!

I know I have written so many posts before about similar topics - control, trust, God's plans, being tested, etc.What is the theme? Sitting back and allowing God to work His will in our lives! So often we find ourselves trying to thwart our goals ahead of God's intentions. Well, let's add one more to this pile of lessons!

Thus begins our story.

Background:
We are at language school, in Canada. We are here to learn French via total immersion as well as attending classes/school.

Class Schedule:
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday - 8:45-11:50
Wednesday - Chapel 8:30-10:30/Groups 10:30-12:30/Lunch 12:30-1:30/Bible 1:30-3:30

Obstacle: 

"WHAT?!? How could you say such a thing!?!," exclaims everyone reading!

Looking at our wonderfully easy schedule (insert sarcasm here), you can see there is no room for baby girl, when there are two adults needing to take the same class. After our orientation on Wednesday, I found out the not-so-good news: there is no one to watch the baby. Ensue PANIC!

Here is where I did my typical control thing. I made calls, I asked questions, I bombarded total strangers, I tried to make new friends with potential babysitters, I made people feel awkward, I attempted French without knowing correct pronunciations, etc. All because I could not accept the fact that I was here to learn French and I HAD to do it just like everyone else!!! Here was the list of options I came up with...and with a heavy heart, crossed one after another off my list.

Option 1 - Daycare. Quebec options for daycare do not allow children under the age of 6 months (something about incredible maternity leave for their locals).
Option 2 - Sitter used by everyone on campus/prior MAF-ers.  She went back to school and is not longer offering services.
Option 3 - Nanny/Sitter. There is a whole language barrier thing but even if that were not an issue, it is not in our budget (our home has not sold yet and we are still responsible for payments).
Option 4 - One of the other students on campus who is in a more advanced class (in the afternoons). All others are moms with plural amounts of children (we are behind on our number!) and it would be hard for them to learn/study with a baby. Not to mention, the baby still won't take a bottle or pacifier. If she doesn't want to sleep, she would make for an uncomfortable situation.
Option 5 - Tutoring. There is only one tutor available and her baby is 4 months old. Her schedule is very limited and includes evenings. Kevin's classes are 15 hours a week which will put me behind at only 8 hours weekly.

What is our solution you ask? After much prayer, I ran across this Bible verse:
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

Sounds simple doesn't it, yet it is a mistake I make often.  Lean not on your own understanding. It made me feel better at heart after taking the time to lean on God and vent. A lot. And here is where I realized I needed to let go and trust in the Lord with all your (my) heart.

My (Tasha) only option is tutoring. After I resigned myself to this being my only option, I sat back and prayed. God knew my complaints and issues with the tutoring. After that, he opened another door for me! Originally, the tutor was only available Monday & Wednesday 3 - 5 and Tuesday & Thursday 6 - 8. This would have required me to finagle baby's feeding around the times I leave, since she won't take a bottle. Kevin would have to put her to bed twice a week without me...sigh. Fortunately, God took care of all.

Friday night, I met the tutor at a school event and immediately felt at ease. Her baby is four months old and won't take a bottle either (I could already feel God smiling down on me). After opening up to her, one of the other mothers in the class spoke to her as well.  "Our" (really it was God!) new solution is fantastic! I, along with two other moms, will go to class Monday and Tuesday from 1:30 - 4:30 and Wednesday from 4:30 - 7:15!!! Plus, I will have one-on-one time Thursday 4:30 - 7:15!!! I can't begin to tell you my relief! First, I am home before baby's bedtime. Second, I will have 9 hours of classroom time. Third, I will have 3 hours one-on-one time. Fourth, I was guaranteed that a class our size will be able to keep up with Kevin's class (as long as I hold myself to their class's standards). Fifth, she is an experienced teacher who has a baby and knows what I am going through! Wow! Just WOW!!!

P.S. Kevin had a great first day of class! (Insert cheesy photo of Kevin with a sign saying "First day of school)!

A Lesson in Control

• Your body is made to have a baby, so you'll be fine.
• Women have been having babies for thousands fo years, so you'll be fine.
• The doctors know what they are doing, so you'll be fine.
• You've had all the birthing classes, so you'll be fine.
• Nature knows what it is doing, so you'll be fine.

Why don't I feel fine? All of my plans, my preparations, my ideas for childbirth are slipping out of my grasp and I am left with no sense of control. However, as I was reading one of my devotional books, I came across this verse:

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord." Proverbs 21:30

A perfect verse describing the complete control that belongs only to the Creator. Not that our plans were contrary to what is good but He has plans to show us an even bigger picture of who He is and how good He is, even through our experiences in pregnancy and childbirth. The more we try to do on our own, the less we see of Him.

I have fooled myself into believing that I could control everything. If I eat right, my family's history of diabetes will not cause me to have gestational diabetes. If I excercise regularally, I will be healthy and my heart rate will be perfect. If I do what all the prenatal books tell me to do, I will have the perfect pregnancy. If I take the birthing classes that reflect my ideas, I will have a natural birth. If I do my research, I can find the right doctor who will allow me have the birth I want. I have been hyper-focused on trying to control every minute detail. Eating healthy, exercising and doing my research on vaccines and doctors are all good things soon-to-be parents NEED do, but essentially I have been saying "God, let your will be done" and then leaning on my own understanding to make the decisions.

All along (especially these past 10 months of support raising), God has been molding me, teaching me, shaping me, and forming me...but when it came to pregnancy I have been fighting HIM for control. You would think I would have learned my lesson long ago! My focus has strayed from God and my need for Him in my life. I have been focusing on my wants, my desires, and my ideas and I have allowed my frustrations to take over my heart. My prayers were no longer prayers of thanksgiving for the miracle of our daughter, but were lists of demands to God!

Psalms 62:1 says, "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him." God is my rock, my sword, my shield; God is my strength when I am weak; God is my all in all. He will not leave me, He will not foresake me. I must trust that He is in control and fill my heart with gladness that He loves me (even if my heart has gone temporarily astray)! How blessed am I to have such a forgiving savior!